Saturday, April 28, 2007

Down down down the rabbit hole....

I wonder if I've been changed in the night? Let me think. Was I the same when I got up this morning? I almost think I can remember feeling a little different. But if I'm not the same, the next question is 'Who in the world am I?' Ah, that's the great puzzle!"

Thank you, Alice, yes it is a puzzle.
For most of my life I have defined myself by other people or what other people have done to me.
I'm sorry I cant commit to a relationship today, i had a sick childhood!
Silly, silly Alice.We can't let the things that are done TO us to determine who we are. Its sounds so simple and should be easily executed.

Not quite.

After all,how easy is it to become a victim? Very easy actually. I've done it most of my life without much effort.And I was miserable.
It was easier for me to stay down after I was pushed by someone else than to actually pick myself up with my own free will, brush myself off and move on.
It takes strength of character and strength of spirit to get off that pavement. No one else is going to do it for you and thats a fact. It's so easy to say, "Well i was hurt, i have a right to...*fill in the blank ladies*"
No body learned anything from Mr. Easy.
The reality is, you determine how long you want to lie there. You determine how far you fall if you are pushed again. You learn to put your arms out in front of you and to catch yourself.Face it, you fell. We all do. But mommy isnt here any more to pick you up and kiss the boo-boos.
You control your own healing process by your WANT to be healed. I know some of us don't want to be because we like to wallow in our self pity. Wallowing should be left for shallow lakes on summer nights, not as a life practice.
It's time to come to grips with reality. Sacrifice and suffering are a part of life. You need to embrace it, carry it and take yourself down from it when it is finished.You are not alone in this walk to Calvary. But you must want it.
Other wise you have no one to blame but yourself.

"But then, shall I never get any older than I am now? That'll be a comfort, one way -- never to be an old woman -- but then -- always to have lessons to learn!"

Wednesday, April 25, 2007

Two steps forward, one step back...

I think I've gotten to place where everything is "alright."
I am really happy to be here because these last few weeks have been hell!

I've never considered myself the "crying" type unless the situation absolutley calls for some tear-age.
I like to stock up just in case something REALLY sad happens and then I have plenty!

I've been crying a lot lately. For no apparent reason really, just standing around at home by myself and I just hit the deck!
I guess I've been given the 'gift of tears' but i really wish it came with a receipt!

You really don't know how much maturing needs to be done in your life til God makes you suffer.
Then you know!

That's all for now!